What you see vs what you are

How crazy is your mind, how fascinating is it that our mind can control what we see in our selves even if it’s not actually who we are.

For the past Twelve years, I was never able to truly see myself for who I was, I could only see an image that I had created.

When I was Fourteen years of age I weighed in at 125kilos, severely bullied hating my life and struggled a lot to want to go to school. When I started my weight loss journey I was so excited I still remember my first time standing on the scales seeing 80kilos wow what a feeling that was an a incredible achievement that I was very proud of.

It was one decision that changed all of that for me. The date was March 26th I came home from doing a work out my mum had made spaghetti Bolognese for dinner I remember that it tasted amazing. After eating dinner I went to have a shower I had music on to relax I sat down felt the water running on my back and the thought of making myself sick crossed my mind, I remember looking down at my fingers and wondering how easy it would be not actually knowing that I had the balls to do it.

The feeling after was like nothing I had ever felt before, It was the feeling of relief the feeling of being in control and from that moment I had found my new outlet for my emotions a few months after I started getting fixated on looking at myself in the mirror, I remember wanting to see my stomach sunken in I wanted to see more bone showing from that one decisions I started imagining what I wanted to look like and through hurting myself I got there.

Months and months had passed of the same decision, It got so bad that if I was to drink water I would run to the bathroom to stick my fingers down my throat to the point where I had tears in my eyes. I dropped down to 46kilos but still seeing 125kilos in the mirror this is how powerful, your mind is you can literally create an image that does not exist however if you see it enough in your own mind you will start believing it.

I remember standing in front of the mirror with nothing on, Turning to the side holding my stomach in seeing my rib cage sticking out seeing my collar bone standing out I honestly looked like a human skeleton, and this is where it went from seeing a different version of myself to feeling it. Not only did I have bulimia anorexia came into play. I started waking up feeling heavy that my morning routine would be to drink a big glass of water just so I could make myself sick to have that relief feeling my visual image soon started changing I wanted to see more bones showing I wanted my stomach to look flat as a pancake I started passing out at work on a weekly basis in hospital on a vitiman drip because I was depriving myself of so much but in my mind I did not have a problem.

Guys how crazy is that, my own thoughts stopped me from seeing that I was severely sick and in need of help. My own thoughts blocked out the fact that I was truly killing myself at what point do we stop and actually wake up and step out of our minds?

What are you avoiding? What do you think is holding you back? Do you let your thoughts control the outcome or do you standup for yourself?. My question for you is when is enough enough? How late is to late?. When was the last time you truly saw you for you? When was the last time you believed that you were good enough?

anorexia

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Published by chelsea

I am 26 years of age. A fighter and true healer of anorexia and bulima, this is my journey come along with me to find your inner strength ❤

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